musical experiencesboifriends (addendum)
i'm not sure that this has any'thang to do with AB and i being back on the same page, sort'a; we have still yet some unresolved issues wit the race matters..u know.
the gist of my initial horror that perhaps my boi, was a bit too white was with his reaction to the pic i sent him
; which was a small statue on my dealers coffee table; we put some nice looking buds in the creatures hands, and i snap'd the pic..well when boifriend got it on his phone; he thought it was me in a monkey suit holding a bunch of nannas; which i thought was a racist kind'of reaction..i don't know, i just couldn't see why he went there with this pic..cause it don't look nothing like a person in a suit to me..but he felt the prespective was hard to tell that it was a small statue (which, looking at it again now, I kind'a agree); but then i thought what about the bud in the cats hands, surely you didn't see that as huge busshels of weed, but yeah he said he did, or he thought it was banannas..i was freaking out but he assured me he was not racistly trip'n, but some how i still couldn't get my head around his monkey suit thing..and felt it was race that informed him to associate me + monkey suit + halloween all in the same thought..but now i think perhaps i'm way too sensitive on this race thing..than i am willing to admit..
we got over this issue, only to have me fall right back into another one..this time over an image of me..
which was sent to him, sort'a as i was think'n of leaving him..cause i don't want no racist boifriend; and this fool, goes stupid, in that aft getting pic and message, calls me and wants to know what's up, which i explain, myself..then he starts questioning the picture, and from a previous conversation (regarding, people responding to me as if i was a threat to them, and they thinking i'm angry..and shit) he decides that perhaps what i need is an 'extreme makeover', and of course i flip right out with that statement. btw the monkey suit to extreme i just couldn't handle the boi; both statements seemed racially informed..least to me..and then i got angry, like fuck him; if he don't like the way my mug looks..then why u talking to me..kind'of anger..; he did some fast back peddiling and image clean up..stuff, before i was willing to listen to him..but in the end, i accepted his stuff__i.e., that he didn't mean it to suggest i was ugly so much as thinking i could be made to 'appear' nicer..like less threating to people who don't know me..
Nov. 14, 2006
i've come back to this space, but with a shift in my thinking? Composition takes a moment of reflection; all too often i am writing in haste, squeezing in a idea here and there without the necessary study of the subject before i begin speaking; If i where to take the 'real' time to 'sort' my thoughts out; i don't think i would have much time for work and other daily interactions.
This morning, fresh from the bed, I had some desire to write about my feelings for Alan, my understanding of the world at large, my beliefs and disbeliefts; yet, once the day settled in around me, and I had made that business call, this personal call, pick'd up and wash'd the dirty dishes, made and ate breakfast, and generaly tried to adjust my apperance to be socially acceptable for most classes of people; I lost interest in writing; I lost interest in being clear..
