iDLg v.6

I knew he would come again, to speak of his feelings, and i knew he would do it from a distance, i.e., he left me a voice message sooner than talk to me in person.

i waited untill the late of night to reteive and listen to his message; why, i don't know, something to do with fear or rejection.  I guess i didn't want to ruin my night thinking about what he had to say, instead, waited untill i got ready for bed, then listened then went to sleep on it..

in simple terms, he decided we had a misunderstanding, one in which we perhaps shouldn't discuss; he wanted me to know that he 'still loved' me, in spite of my suggested shallowness i.e., aversion to fatness.

i am undecided about sending him the link to this blog, esp., the entry of 10.21.06 (yesterday) mainly because i am fearful of his interpetation of what i have said, esp., the idea that i do have another lover or lover like relationship with another man..i feel he will be more reactive to that fact than whaterver i had to say about our 'disagreement';

this is unfortunate, cause i would like our relating to rise to a higher level if it resumed at all, by higher i suppose i mean, a greater sense of trust, and frankness; whereas i think currently, prior to the break up we existed more on the unspoken idea of trust and frankness__yet carefully avoided anything that put emphasis on such tings; which is why most of our converstations stayed on a sexual and or fantasy basis.

how could i misunderstand u, a mix i made the night before our tragic phone conversation; which (the mix) begins with a bit of black art techno house from the great green velvet and attempts to stay in the vein before droping down to afro/latin house and soul style..

i like electro, ghetto, retro, house and intendo; but what can i expect from a younger man who tries to hurt me with ageism; what can i expect from a younger man who wants me to adore him yet only finds me attractive because i am black__and had i been any more 'white' cultured, than himself, he would have rejected me as a suitable suitor, really; but, go figure, he is o.k., with wanting me because i'm black, esp., because i also well endowed, meaning if i was a small dicked white acting blood, he wouldn't want nothing to do with me..as a lover, yet i cann't say i don't want my lover fat..without him feeling violated..yeah, i know i done said this all before; i guess i'm still trying to get my head around his double standards and violent reactions; and the immediate attempt to hurt me..as if i hurt him..when in fact i had not..

when will we come around?,

i really liked blood, and in one voice, i want to continue our relating; however, cause blood has shown me some 'issues' that he carries around wit him; i'm reluctant to engage him again, like i think perhaps it is better to let it ly..now that we've both closed that door; this way he can keep whatever illusions he has of himself in tact and i too can keep mine..no real harm done; whereas if i pick it up again it will be far more difficult to remain emotionaly distant and netural about his 'issues' or mine.

in a healthy relating, the next step for a couple like him and i, would be to become even closer, issues and all, with a certain whole heartedness to embrace each others, failings and all, as a sign of commitment and maturity..

something tells me that we aren't healthy; like the fact the blood went from casual to full blown rage over my 'fat lover' remarks...that was like 0 to 90 in seconds, and i simply don't trust that kind of emotional sweeps; likewise he spoke of how he physicaly asserted himself on the cat he was staying with just because the cat ignored him; that suggested to my mind that my blood has some anger management issues unchecked.  I can not be party to a man who not only easily looses his temper but who is in denial about how easily.

the other ting being, i don't want to be in the lover positon of sounding like i'm telling him how to live..i don't want to be his counselor while we claim to be lovers and i'm pretty certain he dosen't want my council as his friend..i.e., if i was to cut the sexual context out of our relating, he would no longer have a reason to relate..i think..

me, i'm afraid to ask him these questions, cause i don't think we can have a dialogue; i think his pride, ego and such will not allow him and i to be friends first.  and i've no wish to be preceived as 'trying' to be superior, or smarter, or even more experienced;  if he cann't give these qualities to me without damage to his own ego..then fine..lets just call it quits.