truth of the matter, I haven't been able to sustain a 'working' relationship for years; post my last relationship 7 years ago, my body and mind, let alone spirit seems to have given up on the idea; 
yeah, yeah, i've tried to get a few little ventures off the ground, but for one reason or another they have for the most part been failed experiments in desire and affection; I thought that if i kept the sex to 0 and focused on the personality and mind, somehow, that would result in at least less problematic and save me the agony of fucking to only regret. Well it did save me the fucking to regret situation, but not the problematic of communications; since this last one of two months of phone and internet conversation has fallen to the wayside since last night; 
why?, I was in his opinion insensitive to the extent of being vain and selfish. About what, you ask, well, over not wanting a fat boifriend. Yep, that is what i said, I did not want to have a relationship with a boi whom became fat; Is my personal choice vain and insensitive? I don't think so, since what I am saying is that I don't want to live with a man whom chooses to become fat. If for some uncontrolled reason, my boifriend became fat, would I leave him, probably not; but I'm sure we would have tried a number of opportunities to reduce his gaining weight--both for health reasons, and i would hope our shared sexual vainity__since truth be told, I don't find fat sexy. I am only speaking for myself and not from the lack of experience either. I have had fat ( i mean really fat) lovers in the past of both genders and from these experiences I have come to realize that I'm simply not turned on by large persons, in particular large men.
Funny ting' with this boi, he had a lot of preconceived ideas about what I was (sexually) supposed to be for him as a black man 
, in fact, he made many sexual characterizations of what I was for him sexually; which to some people (or black men in particular) are possibly offensive; I was not too bothered about it since it was apparent to me that he had (or has) what I would call a fetish around black men. Also, since he suggested to me his lack of interpersonal (sexual) relationships, I was understanding (i.e., more than just tolorant) of his coinages and less than flattering (racial) terms of endearments;
He reacted way too 'violently' to my remark of disinterest in a "fat lover;" without so much as dialogue he 'quit' the relationship that we had sustained thus far..just simply told me i was a vain and selfish person and that he didn't want anything else to do with me. I was surprised that he quit just like that__and made an attempt to understand why he was so terribly hurt and distrustful of the statement but we only argued each others position and since i didn't want to waste time arguing with a man (esp., long distance) i said fine and let him go. Today, I suspect that his motivation to drop our little phone / internet relationship had nothing to do with my comment; I suspect that he has other interest now and needed some sort of out without it being his own decision; the fat issue gave him an opportunity to blame me for our failure; i guess?
Right now, I'm kind’ a embarrassed that I have nothing better to think about than the above; I simply enjoyed the idea of a lover and was willing to work through a number of problems to develop a relationship with this boi; however, I never thought that our relating would be on such a fragile foundation; I asked him if he viewed himself as fat and if my opinion made him uncomfortable; he did not say he was fat__which i would think not based on the pictures of himself that he had shared with me thus far..unless the pictures where false, or way older than he was willing to admit and in fact he was larger; again, i doubt it, since he did send me recent photos of himself and the boi simply is not fat__big, and possibly heavy in places, yeah, like his thighs, chest, belly, but not fat..so i really didn't get his reaction; unless he was fat in the past and suffered because of it..which he never shared with me..but apparently he was very very uncomfortable with my statement.
i never shared with him that I had fat lovers in the past; He didn't really give me a chance to share that bit of information with him..and his lack of willingness to dialogue with me made me resolved to let him run away; that and the fact that he was too far away to be angry about, or to put up a fight for if he was already reluctant to be there himself.
I have no desire to convience a man that we should be together; Likewise, I have no desire to fight with a man any more over any thing; we can disagree, i'm o.k., with that, however if we disagree to the extent that one or the other is hostile, then I'm ready to let the whole thing go.
I know that I want a mate whom has a fairly healthy sense of self image and self preservation. I am not saying that all fat persons are unhealthy, this is in fact a myth; but I am saying that i want a man whom leans more to the slim side that heavy side, esp., since i am slim and feel that would be more of a match to myself. Is that desire vain; in my opinion, it is no more vain than his desire to have a black lover; is it a fetish for me, not really, since i have at least had the experiences of dating men whom are large (and in some cases fat) and have since come to a conclusion of my attraction to large men__it simply is not there..but i don't reject the attention of large men, since i don't know that such a man in his individual person would not turn me on. I have been rejected by large men as well, because i was either too thin for their taste or we just never had the sexual chemistry that allows relationships to flourish.
I'm o.k., with boi's breakup wit me; i just started a new job, and i'm gonna keep it for awhile, so the likely hood of me moving to Atlanta GA any time soon is not in the cards; I was not and am not anxious to have a live in lover, esp., one who requires high maintaince__which my boi had started to suggest to me that he required..and he was moving quickly towards coming to california to 'live' wit me..which i did not discourage; yet, was not looking forward to either; esp., since i've have found that when i live with another man too quickly as in months after our introduction, that it is a formula for failure, again, esp., if the man needs me to be financially supportive of him.
This time around i wanted to take it way slower, like simply court the fella for a while, like a year or so, before we did anyting like share a space together; I am willing to even consider long distance relating as courting, i.e., i'm happy with just talking to you via the phone and internet before we even touch each other (for at least as long as a year, though I too would make effort to put physical contact to our courting as soon as was reasonably possible for us both, e.g., i am willing to fly to you, or fly u to me, and such opportunities.
Now, truth be, I have another boi friend in Detroit, MI, whom i've been courting now for the last year or so (and no, i didn't tell him about the cat in GA__nor did i really tell the cat in GA about the Detroit fella) My Detroit boo and myself are really cool with each other, and he has proven to be at least a good friend, in that he has never questioned my affection to him or the possiblity that i might be seening another guy; he is simply good to me and appreciates the times we do spend together; I have actually had sexual contact with the fella in Detroit; since i hosted his first visit to California a year or so ago, but he came with his own money and even helped me out a bit; likewise he has been active in supporting my art, i.e., buying paintings and hanging my work up in him home, likewise, he has maintained a home vs the GA fella, whom has been rather flightly in his current lifestyle, and strongly dependent on the support of other men..which is how i felt he would be coming to california, kind' a on the lam..and short of my gifts of my art to him; he made no real effort to acquire;
but talking all this stuff about being in love with me..so i was suppose to just be supportive..yeah..not cool.
The sad thing about my GA fella, is that when he decided to bale; he did so with the intention of being hurtful, e.g., he said things about our age difference as if I had been some anxious, dirty old man chasing after him; this was unfortunate that he said such things, since in fact, I didn't chase him, and he initiated our introduction (and in all honesty, he was quite vulgar about our introduction, cause he came at me wit a lot of assumptions, sexual assumptions__which i actually found distasteful and insensitive__yet i didn't reject him, and opened up to him); why, he thought suggesting that his desire for me overlooking my age was a factor of his open mindedness whereas my reaction to 'fat-lover' was an example of my close mindedness, i don't know; I do know it was false assumptions on his part, esp., since i too fully accept the ageism inherent in the queer sexual world and in no way play into that kind of mind fuck..I was very honest and open about my age from the very start of our interpersonal relating and on several occasions suggested to him that perhaps I was too old for him to be so anxious to cohabitate.
his thowing 'agism' shit at me just let me know that he lived on that level and really had lied to me about his feelings towards our age difference.
musical experiences
what can i say; i definitly didn't want the boi to go away, but i did want him to grow up and take better care of his 'issues', like anger management, distrust, abandonment, usery, etc., etc.,;
but, go figure, he is o.k., with wanting me because i'm black, esp., because i also well endowed, meaning if i was a small dicked white acting blood, he wouldn't want nothing to do with me..as a lover, yet i cann't say i don't want my lover fat..without him feeling violated..yeah, i know i done said this all before; i guess i'm still trying to get my head around his double standards and violent reactions; and the immediate attempt to hurt me..as if i hurt him..when in fact i had not..
